What She Meant to Me
by KaeCooks
Summary: She would have been forty today. 29 November 2019. Part of the "Plans and Promises" universe. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine.**

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She would have been forty today.

Maybe she would have had a young child to help her celebrate.

Maybe she would have adopted a child after their first try didn't catch.

Maybe they would have tried again.

Maybe that second try would have worked.

Maybe there would be a little person with her sparkling blue eyes and his dark hair running around, hogging all the attention on their mother's birthday, still too young to wonder why they looked so much like their Uncle Kelly.

Maybe would she would have given up on that dream altogether.

Maybe - no - enough maybes.

The one thing he knows for certain is how much shit he would have given her for being "Over the Hill" now. Sure, most people call 50 over the hill, but Shay wasn't 'most people.' She was his best friend and he loved excuses to make fun of her, just like she found every reason to make fun of him. She'd be throwing the "Over the Hill" stuff right back at him in two years.

If she were still here.

He tossed the half dozen cupcakes he'd bought on the coffee table and popped their DVD into the player. He grabbed a beer out of the fridge and flipped it open, plopping down on the couch and hitting play.

His 33-year-old face filled the screen and he laughed. God he looked so much younger. It wasn't long before the camera shifted perspectives. There was his best friend as he loved to remember her: smiling and full of life. He shook his head wistfully. She would have ribbed him so hard about his gray hair.

The video got to a part where he knew she was about to take a swig from that bottle in her hands. He raised his bottle in the direction of the TV. "Happy birthday, Leslie," he rasped, a tear leaking out of his eye. He took a drink at the same time as the picture of Shay, a big gulp that he swallowed hard. 33-year-old him said something and her face lit up. He paused the video, her laughter frozen as his emotions got the best of him.

There were only two days in the year when it still hurt: her birthday and the anniversary of her death. His birthday was so hard that second year, but at least he remembered it. He couldn't remember much the year she died. He'd been too drunk.

That second year, it was all he could do to keep himself together on his birthday. Casey had taken him out on the town, but it was far from enjoyable. Casey had picked up on this and dropped him off at home after only two drinks. He'd pulled out the videos he made with her and watched them on repeat. For her birthday that year, he started this tradition - buying half a dozen cupcakes, some beer, and spending the night watching their videos.

The third year, he had Anna to distract him on his birthday, and he knew Shay wouldn't mind. Shay always wanted the best for him.

Her birthday, however, was a different story. Stella was usually out of state with her family or Black Friday shopping with the ladies on Ambo - like she was today - so Kelly stayed home and continued his tradition of celebrating his late best friend's birthday, and Stella never knew.

Until today, that is.

She tumbled through the door of their apartment when she finally got home that afternoon, arms loaded full of bags. She glanced around to see if Kelly was home. Some of those bags contained Christmas presents for him and she wanted to get them upstairs before he had a chance to get nosy like he always did. She noticed the TV was on, but saw no one. Maybe he was in the bathroom.

She shrugged. Wherever he was right now, she had a clear shot and scurried upstairs to her room.

He was sitting on the couch, staring at the still frame on the TV when she came back down. She recognized the face on the screen as the paramedic who'd died in the line of duty at 51 a couple years before she showed up. Gabby had told her that - Shay, right? - had lived with Kelly and that the two had been close. Kelly, however, had never said anything about Shay except when Stella had first asked him about the name on the side of the ambulance in her first week at 51. Then, he'd only told her name and that she'd died on a call.

On the coffee table in front of him was a container of cupcakes, two already eaten, as well as an empty beer bottle.

"Kelly?" she said softly, a hint of concern in her voice.

He turned to look at her and nodded his head in a curt greeting before turning back to the screen.

She took a seat beside him on the couch. "Are you okay?" she asked.

He just stared at Shay's picture some more.

"Talk to me, Kelly."

He swallowed the last of his beer and set the bottle on the table. "That's - uh - that's Shay," he rasped, finally.

She nodded sympathetically. "I know."

"She would have been forty today."

Oh. It was her birthday. Stella wrapped her arms around her boyfriend and waited for him to continue.

He leaned his head on top of hers. "She's been gone five and a half years now."

Stella said nothing because - well - what could she say?

"She was my best friend, Stella." Normally, he'd stop there, but he decided to give his girlfriend more of the story. He shifted to face her, holding both her hands in his lap. "Before she died, she wanted more than anything to become a mom." He paused, furrowing his brow. Did he want to tell her this next part? Yes. Full disclosure. "She'd actually asked me to be a sperm donor for her. I was just imagining if - if that would have worked. Maybe she would still be alive."

Stella pulled him back into her. "You can't think like that, Kelly," she said softly. "You'll torture yourself."

"I know - I usually don't. It's just today would have been a big day for her." He turned to stare at Shay's picture on the screen for a moment then he got up and walked over to it. He kissed his hand and gently laid his fingers on the image of her cheek.

Stella watched as Kelly seemed to say goodbye to the picture then ejected the DVD and put it away. He came back and sat next to her on the couch. "She meant the world to me, Stella."

She cupped his face in her hands, running her thumbs over his bristly cheeks. Eventually, he leaned in to kiss her, then pulled her into his side. She snuggled in and they turned on a movie. Then, so quietly she wasn't sure she'd heard it, he whispered, "You're my world now." And he pressed a kiss into her temple.

She turned and smiled up at him, the look in his eyes telling her she hadn't imagined it, and gave him a kiss before turning back to the movie. She wasn't sure whether he'd celebrate Shay's birthday again next year, but she did know that - if he did - she'd be sure to celebrate with him.

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**A/N: I know I fudged Shay's age by a year if a person is using the actors' birthdays as their characters' birthdays like I am; however, this made it line up a little nicer for writing purposes. Thanks for reading and, as always, let me know what you think!**


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